John Tucker must NOT die...

At least, not before I've had the chance to jump him and pick my teeth with his bones. Maybe that was a bit too cannablistic, but, well, you know what I mean. I went to see John Tucker Must Die this evening. When the hell did the price of of seeing flicks in the theater go up to nine frickin' dollars? This is AMC I'm talkin' about. Is it really worth it to go there anymore, even though I eventually work up to a free movie ticket whenever I use my AMC Movie Watcher Card? Jesus, if I didn't love going to the movies so much, I'd just download the damn things.

But I digress. I shouldn't be able to string two words together after seeing Jesse Metcalf in a thong. And a female thong, at that. Yeah, thought that might get your attention. The man is f-i-n-e fine and has a body like POW! When I had the time to watch soap operas, I was watching "Passions." Like a train wreck: you know it's going to be bad, but you have to look anyway. I remember the very first episode and thinking "This is too corny for words." All the supernatural crap that was going on...it should've intrigued me.

What intrigued me was Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald. A.K.A Jesse Metcalf. "That boy has a future in acting," I thought. "As long as he's required to remove his shirt at regular intervals." I mean, geez, can you imagine the actress that played his girlfriend, Charity, on that show?:

Frantically flipping through the pages of the script, she punches a fist in the air when she finds what she's looking for: Charity kisses Miguel.

Flips more pages and does an excited pelvic thrust a la Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura when she finds what she's looking for: Charity and Miguel get to second base.

Flips three more pages and does the Happy Dance around her trailer when she finds what she's looking for: Charity scores with Miguel.

I stopped watching the show long before he left, so I was pleasantly surprised when he showed up again. On a couple of episodes of my favorite show, "Smallville". He hit the jackpot with "Desperate Housewives" and I really tried to keep up with the show (if only to see him half naked--which pretty much happened in every episode he did, right?), but I think it clashed with "Alias." And, I'm sorry, but at that time, "Alias" trumped everything at 8 o'clock on Sunday nights.

What's funny about the movie, actress Brittany Snow (she plays the girl they get Jesse to fall in love with then break his heart) is RIPPED! I kid you not. The girl has a six pack that is well-defined and flatter. than. road. kill. Roadkill that's been killed several times over, to be exact. I don't know what her exercise regimen is, but her abs are better than everyone else's in that movie. Including Jesse's. And that's saying something because like I said, Jesse has a body that can make a nun slip up. You know why he's fine? Because he's Italian, French and Portuguese. I wanna take a dip in his gene pool. Soak in it like a big Jacuzzi tub with water jets and Sesame scented bubble bath from The Body Shop. Slick it all over my body like Sesame Body Butter from The Body Shop...*fans hand in front of my face* Is it gettin' hot herre or is it just me? (and yes, in case you wondering, I love the Sesame Body Wash and Shea Body Butter from The Body Shop) I don't want kids, but I wouldn't mind having his.

So, in summary: Ashanti needs to go back to her day job of R&B singer, lots of eye candy (for both guys and girls), gives great ideas on what a girl should do if she finds out her man is cheating on her (men and boys beware), all in all a very good teenybopper flick that I'll probably buy when it comes out on DVD.

Bonus Point: Saw a trailer for a movie called "The Covenant" with a bunch of supernatural hotties in it. Supernatural. Hottie. There's that reference again. It looked a tad bit scary for me, but if I keep it in the back of my mind that Sam and Dean will roar up at any time in their black muscle car and take care of business, I should be able to hang.

Droolworthy guys on my list to date: Channing Tatum, Jesse Metcalf, and Paul Walker. And so the list grows...