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09 March 2006

Making Peace with the Divine

At SARK's Succulent Pajama Party I had a toe reading. Three things in my life are blocking the flow of my energy and one of them is anger towards the Divine. My interpretation was that my anger had started the day my father had a minor heart attack and manifested into utter lack of faith by the time he was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 yrs ago. At the time, he had 3 options: surgery, radiation seeds or radiation treatments. He immediately vetoed the surgery. After being under the knife so many times--the most recent being November 2005--he didn't want anyone cutting him open anymore. I don't blame him, really. At least, not anymore. I was all for the surgery because then I knew it would be gone. But it's a long recovery time and he just wasn't having it. So, we waited. A whole year and a half. During that time, he was taking estrogen pills to slow it down. And during that time I worried that the cancer would get bigger.

It never did. Because of the pills? Probably.

Not too long ago--maybe about a few months ago--we found out that the radiation seeds (a procedure that implants the radiation right near the affected area and releases timed seeds) weren't going to work. Due to the shape of the cancer and the location, it wasn't going to work. So we waited some more.

My Dad called me this evening and told me he was going to be starting radiation treatments on the 1st Monday in April. "I wanted to wait til after my birthday," he said. Which is on the 27th, by the way. "Good idea," I told him. He has to go 5 days a week for 8 weeks...and then he'll be done. I was waiting for more, but there was nothing else.

"What about the side effects?" I asked him.

"Well, they said I'll probably have blood in my stool and my urine. And there might be nausea. But that's it. I won't lose my hair--"

"What? That can't be right," I practically shouted in his ear. "But-but-but what about all those other cancer patients that lose their hair and have to wear a bandana or something?"

"Well, that's chemo. And the cancer isn't all over my body. It's only in one area and the radiation will only go to one concentrated area," he explained.

Apparently there's a difference between chemo and radiation. I just learned something new.

"And you're not going to be tired?" I asked.

"Nope. So, I guess you'll be stuck with me for another 30-35 years," he teased.

"That's okay," I shot back. "I can deal with that." Really, I can. "You're the only Daddy I've got, so I'd like you to stick around for a while. Besides, you bought that '38 Cadi and you need to fix it up and show it off."

"That's true. I need to get that up and runnin' and drive it around," he agreed.

After I got off the phone with him, I cried a little in relief and asked Steven for a hug.

My Daddy's going to be okay. I can feel a weight being lifted off my heart. It's been there for so long, it feels cramped, folded over. Soon, I think. Soon I'll be able to make peace.

Well..maybe I'll hold off for 8 weeks and see what the doctor says.
posted by GeminiWisdom @ 9:39 PM |


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